100% of non smokers die…fact

dear guilty party,

now kate can flick her butt in my garden

i once heard a cigarette rep tell some pain in the arse, winey girl who was complaining about the negative effects of smoking blah blah blah, that 100% of non smokers die…very true.

i dont care if you smoke, i dont care about your long term health, i aint your dad or mom…im just your friendly cafe waiter im only in this industry for another 5 years then im getting a piece of land somewhere close to a mountain bike track.

 truth be told i even have a little twack now and then when im all boozed up and feeling funky….so whats the point of this post i hear you ask through the lines on the interweb (below is me angry, its rare that i get like this but im ready to blow…my top, blow my top)

this does not apply to every one, just the cafe regular/regulars who smoke and then puts his/her ciggies out in my garden cause bru that makes you a shcmuck of the worst kind. why are you doing that, what the fuck is going through your head when you lean over to put your cigarette butt out in a garden teaming with butterflies, honestly id love to know….some thing in your thick (yes i called a paying customer thick…as in lenny from” mice and men”) skull must be miss firing. thats my herbs, veg and garnish for an eco cafe you bloody ape freak monkey slut. imagine i came to your house and put a few cigarettes out in your fridge or pantry?

for 3 years and 8 months now we`ve been working on our gardens, seasonally planting and harvesting most of our salad needs, its very rewarding and saves me a hellva lot of money and our special chilli sauce is made fresh weekly from this garden not to mention our pesto sauce which is in many of our dishes…..

im not a very religious man but if there is a God id like him to let me catch you cause ill name and shame you like those guys who pick up prostitutes and the comunity puts their faces in the paper…oh ill do it china, watch me. so please be warned if i see one more butt in my gardens ill make this cafe non-smoking…harsh, maybe. sure we may lose a few customers and even my wife will have to smoke on the pavemnet,but we cant keep putting this much effort into our gardens and you keep acting like a dick…..as my head master said to me and now i say to you THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING DIP SHIT (my head master didnt say dip shit, but i think it works nicely in there for effect hey).



15 Comments on “100% of non smokers die…fact”

  1. villy vill check says:

    Wait wait wait… a sekkie… what is the herbs like a little puff puff before breakie?

    I say, throw the paper and the butts in the ashtrays but throw the remaining tabacco into the garden… even a plant needs a little “pick me up”…

    80’s till I die.

  2. Ryan says:

    I once (note once) had the honour and privalage of living With Juddy poo pants known then as the berea bat. He got a can of spray paint from some Thick ex girlfriend of his Thick as in chunky. not as in lenny.and waite for it proceded to spray paint on the biggest wall in our 1.3 bedroom apartment. RYAN LIKES LITTLE BOYS.So i think i would have prefered it if he pissed on the lounge because we did not have one. So if you are the butt head that is ashing on the berea bat’s herbs push one deep in for me. I do love you Judd, but like your wife more. Ryan

  3. Craig Stuart says:

    Okay so i smoke in the back everyday in the garden, and i use a ashtray but hey if it was me you would know cause i smoke cigars with a plastic thingy on the end which is a little hard to bury in the garden. So if you see one of those white plastic thingies JUDD it was me you know where i stay just dont piss on my three legged cat okay.

  4. woody says:

    You lucky you got (last warning) I just bent for the six.
    Maybe you should pull the tables away from the garden.
    Smokers are lazy and cant stretch that far. Put more ashtrays on the table.

  5. shanna says:

    you are the funniest mo fo i ever did meet. so fabulously written. proud to call you my boet. missing you guys./ shan x

  6. Barbszn says:

    Dear Agony Uncle Judd. A few nights ago a friend stubbed out his cig in my garden AS I WAS TALKING TO HIM. I stopped in shock, he said bye, & left. I never said a word. SHOULD I say another word to him? Yours in non-tobacco fertilizers…

    • juddypoo says:

      that is not a friend, friends dont punch u, friends dont pee in ur lounge and friends never put cigs out in your garden….say goodbye to them and make new friends

  7. ewok says:

    Hell hell HELL YEAH!!! You gettem Judd. Lose a few customers, who cares, we are working on an extra one for you anyway…

  8. Bruce says:

    I just hope this person/s reads this…

  9. Laance says:

    What a butt head !!

  10. amy says:

    ah judd,that is just too funny man!!not the fact that stupid peeps keep ashing in your gorgeous gardens but your chirp is just legendary bru..keep on keeping on and i hope you catch those ass-holies who mess up your hard work!one sharp crack to the head would be ideal:)x

  11. juddypoo says:

    it aint john this time

  12. sean says:

    Yes John stop putting your butts in the garden bru.