I’m a crime statistic…

Last night the dog barked diffearnatly. Normally its this loud deep bark, but last night it was a low growl/snarl/I’m going to eat your leg type bark. Apparantly cause I was asleep, my wife woke me screaming saying there is someone in the garden, I didn’t panic cause I didn’t even know where I was for the first few seconds (one minute your dreaming of Tahiti and the next your’re running around in the nude fighting crime).

I ran out the room and saw a man in the back yard running around the side of the house (my wife had already scared the daylights out of him and he was heading home). So in my infinite wisdom I ran, with my jiggly bits flapping around, to the front of the house, but alas he had scaled the wall and was gone like a rat out of an aquaduct.

We calmed down and the heart eventually slowed to a pace where we could talk about what happened. (but I stayed in the nude)

The wife had seen him trying to get into the kitchen window and he knocked over a pot plant (luckily it was an exotic plant). On closer inspection we realized that the space between the burglar bars was bigger than we thought, even I could get in.

After half an hour we jumped back into bed, and as we did the dog growled again, sure not I thought, as I peaked out the window (still in my birthday suit) I saw the bugger trying to get over the fence…he hadnt left, he had been hiding under a bush by the wall. We then pushed the alarm and started shouting at him from the safety of the house, I said things like “die monkey boy die” and “run away you scared little poo poo pants” he aint aint coming back, those kindve taunts can scare you for life.

So I’m going to get my paint ball gun serviced today so I can shoot robbers in the temple with a solid piece of rubber and pepper bullets (I know it aint Eco friendly, but ive done my bit for the planet).



17 Comments on “I’m a crime statistic…”

  1. Lauren says:

    Geez, glad you guys are ok!

  2. durbandiva says:

    Juddy, although you are a truly talented front of house man, your true calling lies in comedy! I have just spent the last hour reading through your blog and laughing hysterically. I am pleased I am alone at home and did not decide to come and use up your internet and read your blog as my face is all red from laughing (and there may be a tear or two dripping from my chin…) I am very pleased that you are safe and sound! I agree with Villy Vill, though – Alfred needs to live indoors.

  3. CRAIG (the finance guy) says:

    Juddy poo get the porcelain pellets they sting like a mo fo. and the odd pepper pellet also help, glad your safe and get the burgular bar fixed if you need a welding machine give me a holar it will only cost a cuppa.

  4. melsy says:

    LOL!! glad you guys are ok though. paintball guns FOR THE WIN!! 🙂

  5. ewok says:

    Some men have jiggly bits, others have pendulum parts.

    (The dude who ran off obviously only had pipsqueaky pieces.)

    Glad you guys are safe bro.

  6. Clint (that's clint with an 'n') says:

    Great thanks Juddypoo, I can’t shake the picture of you running around with your flappy bits!! How am I supposed to come in for my daily chocolate cupcake fix and look you in the EYE…..(OMG there is that image again!!!)Glad you safe
    BTW I’ll drop off contact numbers for the community watch so that you can give us a call next time. (only if you promise to put some pants on!!)

  7. WOODY says:

    “die monkey boy die”LOL. Just put up a sign that says ” This house is protected by Chuck Norris” you wont have a problem again

  8. villy vill check says:

    Maybe bring Alfred (your bike) inside and dont leave it in the fun bus…

  9. simone says:

    I’m glad you and J were unscathed Juddy however, i can’t say the same for myself after:”I ran, with my jiggly bits flapping around.” it’s far too early in the AM for such PG language 🙂 But on a happy note, really glad it ended well with you 2 safe ‘n sound!

  10. Barbara Nash says:

    God you crack me up. Thanks for the picture so early in the morning x

  11. rachel says:

    Oh dear! Yip my hubby also sports a nifty paintball gun for ‘protection’