I saw my first black penis

dear world,

red-eye, it’s some big art thingy. i think it’s every year. slap bang in the C.B.D, it was awesome, very scary but super cool and everyone was there in fact if you didn’t make it you missed out. in my quest to lose 10kgs and bulk up on culture i was there with my little mole skin note pad.

it started with Ewok(the mc) carrying on like a monkey on pills(who calls there kid Ewok anyway), very entertaining and he never makes mistakes (id have dropped the mic, stuttered and possibly slipped off the stage) the drum majorettes in drag was amazing, i later learnt they were not in drag or drum majorettes. the fashion show peaked with the opening designers models all being topless, im sure the other designers had some über cool shit, but me like boobies. i threw back a few castle lite`s as we waited in the queu ( ah ive got no idea how to spell queu or qeue, stupid it should be spelt q) for some deadly samosa`s. i was scared i was going to have to share so i order 30 and only got like 4, shouldve ordered 60.

then like a thief in the night the doors opened to the Durban art gallery(nice building if you’re into that old stuff) i wasnt prepared and i hadn’t had enough to drink, my naive & still cultural mind was taken advantage of almost abused by what i saw. if you were there then you will testify that what i say next is the truth. as we walked in there was a raised platform with two people acting drunk(i think) they had paint on them and had only a few pieces of cloth covering them, i looked around and every seemed to understand, people smiled or nodded as if to suggest they knew exactly what was going on, it was just me that was completely bambozzeled, ill get the next one i thought. wrong again, the cultural idiot in me couldnt understand why there was a guy in a wedding dress walking down the steps(rediculously slowly, all i could think was i hope i dont get stuck behind him if theres a fire). then at the top of the stairs was a double bed with two girls, one with ear phones lying down writting in a diary and the other sitting up writting, the cute one nibbled suggestivly on the end of her pencil, for a change it was me nodding like i understood and everyone else just didnt get it like i got it, oh yes, and as luck would have the mass of people forced us to keep moving and it was like the bed was kate winslet on the raft and i was leonardo sinking further and further down, i was never to see them again, damit just when i get art they whip the rug from under me. the next room had some…..shit i think he was a witch doctor person screaming and touching plastic masks on a wall covered with plastic mask, are you confused yet, hell folks i was gob smacked, where the hell was i, what the hell had happened here and why couldnt i understand this stuff. some guy in passing said the theme is ‘body politic”, oh sure like that fucking helps, body politic means what exatly.

then i saw my first black weiner schnitzel, he made a point of everyone seeing it, it bobbed and slapped around like a giant earth worm that just got cut in half, on the floor around this dancing massai warrior was another guy(who had no fear of a black penis hitting him on the head) sitting on the floor with about 30 cabbages with red candles sticking into them, my number is 031 2010219 please can someone phone me to explain that one.

i am a cultural & artistic retard who needs help clearly, there was some dancers too (talented buggers, id have had to stop half way through to use my asthma pump). the one room had a projector, projecting an image of a girl onto that girl, they locked us in there and we watched images of her climbing out of her dancing around her and then climbing back into her. i know the girl and will have a word with her on tomorow, i need answers.

then back out onto the street(thank god, i was safe again) i heard the best tunes ever( i hate music genrally, never brought a cd, i think it stems from years of restaurant music forced on me) the band had the coolest name….wait for it….wait. drum roll “veranda panda and the bamboo architects” hey bru, is that the coolest name or what my china`s. i found myself suddenly enjoying the night, another castle lite i shouted, no-one budged. ewok kept going on about some sketch off, it was 10 blank doors painted white, with 10 artists painting, sketching, drawing creating art right infront of my virgin eyes. ewok said it was for a good cause(aids orphins or ethnic albanian kids or something like that) so i put my name on the back of the one i liked, i felt instantly more arty and everyone noticed i was cooler than the music, more confidant than ewok on the mic and women wanted me(the last one wasnt true). then some guy came along wrote his name on the back and said he would pay R100 more, i lost my first ever art peice, but the albanian kids got more money and i was too drunk to carry that door out of the central buisness district.

red eye was a roaring success, every kind of person was there, old, young, gay, straight, hot, ugly, fat, thin people of every colour. im sure by next year ill be ready, ready to nod my head like the others or just be able to understand arty farty stuff.

yours in culture

juddy poo


6 Comments on “I saw my first black penis”

  1. ewok says:

    farkin’ SPOT ON. Especially that stuff about me, all the good stuff about how good I am. That’s my favourite part. Very well interpreted, how brilliant I am. SO well written that bit. The rest is cool too. But that part. Wow. Truly. Wow. You are a very good writer.

  2. shanna jones says:

    i think you are a very funny, fabulous genius-raconteur brother macguire ! loving these blogs. why don’t you write one about the family, then i’ll make a movie ! tee hee

  3. Belma Dubber says:

    Scary stuff Judd ! You’re the Man. You must have been scared S***less!

  4. Sonja says:

    and thats the gospel truth… I have the photos to prove it! Great read Judd, laughed my head off.

  5. Stump says:

    Great article, Judd! Who’s gonna carry a door out of a jol anyway!? 😀
    I used to go to Redeye back in the day when I’m sure it was once a month?

  6. Laine says:

    Godammit Judd Campbell, you’re hilarious. I can’t read your posts at work for fear of laugh-snorting coffee all over the colleague sitting opposite me.