heroes wanted

dear unborn frankie(we like this name for you now)but your volatile mother may change it again so dont get too attached,

heroconvention (i dont know how to make the poster appear so have a look yourself)

this sat from 4pm until 9pm the cafe will get down and earthy in an attempt to kick off the first of series of parties designed to save us all from certain death.

thanx to a team of muso`s from hip hop folks to violinists the cafe will be transformed into a cafe for good instead of my usual “lets take all the money i can from those coffee addicts and spend it on my unborn kids room” approach.

its all free thanx to the artists, who are a fatastic group of non-hippy types that give a shit about the planet, and WESSA…now these guys are my new best friends, its an NGO thats been around since 1926 (thats when danie craven was still playing rugby).       http://www.wessa.org.za/

so my evil plan is to hook up with these eco warlords and do some goodness on earth so that you, my child, still have a planet to play on. Frankie my dear you`ve put it all into perspective little one.

dont get me wrong, we will still get boozed heavily on some local beers and spirits (cane is made locally, which is great news) and ill still invite more girls than guys and fun will be had by all.

frankie, whoever doesnt come to the heroes convention is a planet parasite.

juddy-once-in-oh-so-long-a-hero-comes-along-with-the-strength-to-carry-on-poo

its a GIRL folks

dear daughter girl,

what a day, im so A.D.H.D that if i dont write this down now ill never remember how it went.

picture it, durban 2011, the 9th day of the second to last month of that year. your mother and i had to leave a very busy cafe to have the 22 week scan (its some larney scan where they can tell if your feet are webbed and if you spin is on the outside, hectic shit) so we had to go and it was also the scan that would tell us if you had a willy or a rosebud. on arriving we saw the doctors name on the door and the fear covered me like global warming….

so dr bhorat has this machine that looks like the control panel from the starship enterprise, its very cool. bhorat is the perfect name for this dude he is the funkiest most chilled doctor/gynea/person ever. when he asked your mom to unbutton her jeans i nearly slapped him.

what you cant see is the doc leather pointy shoes or the open shirt

now i know doctors are clever but this oke clear is cleverierererer than most, and has a wicked sense of humour. when i asked “is this the tube the food comes down for the baby” and pointed to a squiggle on the screen he said “no the baby isnt eating food or you would see the mcdonalds arch” the oke actually said that….then he squirted kyjelly all over my wife.

looks like morph hey

when bhorat said you were a girl i got all teary and emotional, thought i was too soft till i told your granma….she is still crying i think (you are scheduled to be born on her birthday, freaky hey).

we went straight to baby city and brought more eco nappies for you, your mom got you some things for your room (turns out the big inflatable penguin i found wont fit into the colour scheme).

we love you madly girl….

juddy-daddy-to-a-girl-child-named………-poo

 

 

cafe customers caught on camera clubbing seals.

jaggy poo,

son/daughter….not sure what the hell durban is doing, i feel that doing nothing is the same as clubbing a seal.

how proud this guys kids must be of him, hey Jag

there is this one guy lets call him “big craig” and he has teamed up with this chick, lets call her “surfer jenny”. so “surfer jenny” has a nursery, and she will be supplying “big craig” with shit loads of baby trees (yes indegenious, spelling i know) which will be kept here at the cafe of love. how can i help you may ask…..

option A, you buy a tree at cost (no i wont add a couple rand on, its me juddy poo) and plant it in your garden and call it juddy poo, take a photo send it to me and then i give you a free coffee.

option B, you buy a tree at cost, and “big craig”, with the help of some other eco warriors plant them in and around durban, we still call them juddy poo, and i still give you a free coffee.

option C, we dont have option C, i was just saying that to full up the body of this post, you will not get a free anything from option C, please scroll back up to options A & B

the tree you buy will NOT look like this at all

ahh, son/daughter, i hope durbanites do something for this cop17 thing….anything, i hope they make a statement.do something selfless, do something where only the enviroment profits. imagine the impact 3000 folks can make if they dont want anything in return (shit i sound like martin luther king, juddy poo has a dream)

juddy-hopes-durban-pulls-its-finger-out-its-bottom-in-time-for-cop17-poo

 

customer outrage at the cafe of love over new cop17 menu…

dear unborn green child ,

ahh son/daughter im about to cause shit in our community, you see Jag the planets in a spot of poo and your dad is sitting on the side lines….ive got this ”green cafe” that is`nt really making waves and causing enough shit. so your pops is about to take a risk, and a big risk at that……wait for it, the corner cafe will be meat free for the 14 days of cop17.

i know its risky and i may loose a few customers in the process, but slap my tits if it dont make a statement. albert einstein said  ”Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances of survival for life on earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet.” now i dont know much about this oke except that he won a nobel prize in 1921 so he must have had a matric and that makes him pretty smart in my book.

its so good it frys your brain

ive found this company, local dah, called “frys” its a happy little veggie family who have changed my eating habbits. you see ive been a vegaterian for 43 days today….thank you, thank you very much. and i feel great but im not out to convert the world like some seventh day eventist guy who walks up to your table and tell you to lay off meat or satans gonna get you, infact i think satan would rather you ate meat, he would like animals to die for our pleasure. im not saying i wont ever eat meat again its just that some dude from wessa asked me to watch this movie called “earthlings” ive watched rocky 3 four times but this movie was even harder to sit through, my eyes are open to the light (joking i just threw that in because of the whole seventh day eventist thing) i will eat meat again…someday but it will have to come from like “hope meats” in richmond where the animals had a happy life and an unaware death, lets not forget the lack of hormones or antibiotics etc but we wouldnt have those insisor teeth if we werent supposed to eat meat, its just that weve become american in our approach to meat….we need it in every meal.

look its a tree growing out the earth....umm

so today marks the 27th day before cop17,  for the entire conference we will not be serving meat and yet we will have burgers, spaghetti bolognaise, chicken wraps,bangers & mash, chorico pizza and all with this ”frys” stuff, its soya but not the shitty card boardy kuk they try to slap on our plates (we veggies are treated like poo when we eat out)(check how i say “we”cause im on their side now).

id also like to offer a prize of free coffee for life(thats as long as someone lives on the earth) to someone who comes up with a very clever way to help earth during this conference…..ill start the ball rolling, i, Juddy poo Campbell, will walk or ride my bike to work everyday during the cop17. its 7km and im fat, anyone who sees me driving in a car to work during this time will automatically get free coffee for life and one fairy cake. surely someone out there can out do me…………

so write in and ill put the best ones up on the blog and you guys can vote for whoever you think has the better idea, i wont break my promise, free coffee for life (life is a really long time folks) come folks the whole fucking world is watching durban, do something out of your comfort zone.

yours in planet saving joy and love

juddy-earth-walker-poo

 

 

pat lambie walks into a cafe and the waiter says….

dear unborn kid,

by the time you read this pat lambie would have captained the springbok, won a world cup and a tri nations and retired.

as he walked in i yesterday i didnt quite recognise him (thought it might be some waiter id fired or one of our regulars sons or some shit), when i did relise it was number 15 i went into that silly mode and was like trying to suck up to him and be all matey matey, the okes like 20 years old.

he was with conrad hoffman , and they both are like perfect gentlemen (if you are a girl, we find out only in 2 more weeks, then id let you date one of these guys) strong hand shake, good eye contact and no fowl language, fuck me. lambie wouldnt even say anything bad about bryce lawrence, and we all know he is a giant poo poo face.

he said i could play for south africa

they shared the gnocchi and a pizza (they had training at 2:30) i gave them some of the wifes special homemade apple crumble on the house, and said it was for dropping that huge samoan freak, and we all laughed and now we are best friends, the end.

if you are a boy Jag and decide to play rugby then i hope you turn out like this guy.

juddy-new-best-friend-of-pat-lambie-poo

p.s. bryce lawrence i hope you get your whistle caught in the gears of a combine harvester you monkey

 

 

my life cant get any better

• dear Jaggy poo,

son/daughter this world you are coming into is #(*^&%#$^%&  fantastic, i loved last week and this week is looking even better.

ill keep all this guys movies for when you are older...funny bugger.

oh let me count the ways…..

• the springboks beat fiji, and its not like they didnt try hard, fiji threw everything at our boys and didnt even get a try…tee hee
• your moms boobs went from claire danes in to a scarlet johansen over night
• ive been selected as head judge (ok not really head judge) for interpret durban this friday, so no tapas. everyones going….it sounds huge this year. your pops dont know a thing about art, ive them all fooled.
• spent sunday morning sleeping under an umbrella on addington beach like a beached whale with a smile from ear to ear
• my little brother, your uncle, leaves today for indo/bali/some hot surf spot…and he gets to leave all his shit behind, just taking boards and a babe, lucky bugger.
• im getting excited that you are coming, had another scan yesterday (the gynea is so hot) you`ve grown from 3,2cm to 7,1cm and your heart rate is slowing (turns out that this is a good thing) from 164bpm to 153pbm the gynea(hot) measured your neck and spine and you dont have downs, so far you are a healthy little tiger in wife.  oh, and you are being born on the 23d of march or so het royal hotnes says
• the new shop “lovecoffee” will be open in october for sure, its looking so hot. maybe when you are older you can have a little cafe of your own or we can work together, im a very good waiter…you`ll see.
• we made soup at the cafe today…huge mark up. and it sold out.
• the box kit that we are going to put your blood and tissue cells in for freezing when you are born just arrived…its so cool even though i havent opened the box yet…very scared (see below) we cant clone you but we can grow you a new leg if you want, we can talk about later.

 

love you little one

juddy-daddy-sunbather-pro judge-stem cell harvester-all-around-springbok-supporter-unless-they-lose-to-the-namibians-poo

my first dear john letter…

dear john,

i know your tired bru, i know you`ve done more in your life than most, but please just win us one more world cup, i read your book bru (i dont like luke either by the way) inspiring stuff. you are my hero, you wont remember but we met once at gateway shopping centre. you were at vida and i walked past and saw you and my wife said if i didnt go say hello i would regret it forever. i was so nervous but managed to shake your hand and say “good luck for the tri nations” you said thannx and kindve shrugged me off, its ok, i know you must get it alot.

i salute you bokke

 

please dont let me bring my child into a world where south africa hasnt won two world cups back to back, please john.

juddy-scared-he-may-lose-his-wife-over-the-world-cup-through-neglect-poo

p.s. john i dont think you are fat.

welsh rabbit topped with springbok carpaccio

dear 30 people max,

ok so my wife wont allow me to have 30 mates round to watch the rugby so i tried to book a huge table at Unity Bar but they arent open on the sabbeth…..so the clever little me has come up with an award winning plan that will see 30 of us watch the opening game of the Rugby World Cup here at the cafe of rugby love.

please note how the springbok carppacio is on top of the welsh

the welsh look all hot and bothered hey

ok so, this is how it works, you get here at 9:30 we all have a great bunny breakfast, drink coffee like possesed mad men, then game starts at 10:30am at which time no coffee will be served until half time. the bill includes everything food, juice, coffee and a game we just have to win dammit. ive already got 10 bookings so only 20 more, and no kids (even though im having one).

normaly we would allow anyone in here but if you like wales, married a welsh person or ever been to wales you cant come (passports on arrival please). book now, i cant take 32 people as im running a skelaton crew (staff need to sleep to) 031 2010219.

juddy-never-even-landed-in-wales-when-catching-a-connecting-flight-to-madrid-poo

 

ola pedro

dear tapa`s munchers,

new rules at the cafe folks, actually its our first rule in four years and 3 weeks…..you must book for tapas evenings, its getting silly here on a friday, between the wife chunddering, the new cafe opening and people being turned away on a friday its just all a bit too stress full for juddy poo.

ole snacky poo

tapas start at 5pm and end at 8pm on fridays only chinas, i know i swore never to take bookings but some of you drive from hillcrest and i turn you away…it gives me no pleasure, well there is this one couple who are very moody and dont say a word to eachother and i must admit i turn them away even if we have space, they kill the vibe in her with their big negative selves, she even worse than him….she will send back everything “the wine is too cold” or “i cant eat fish, olives or bread. do you have anything else” its a frikin tapas evening. some people are only happy when they are not.

so im going onto Excel now (its a programe on my laptop, that allows you to make lines etc on a sheet of paper, very high tech) to make a bookings list….please spread the word id hate to turn anyone away again.

yours in spanishy stuff

juddy-call-me-pedro-on-fridays-poo

are you a kiff durban artist

dear durban artists,

if you are keen to sign up with “interpret durban” you better hurry, every kid in a 100mile radius from graffitti artists to gum boot dancers are signing up, dont pitch on the 23rd of september and say “damit i can do the la bamba better than that freak” or “these are nice photos of sunflowers, NOT”

did you know durbans city hall is identical to the belfast city hall...i did the street scene tour

theyve asked me to be a judge, so please feel free to pribe the heel out of me, i have no morals and will happily swing the other judges opinions for a price (ive got a kid coming).

yours in artistic stuff

juddy-cant-even-draw-a-stickman-poo

 

jag bokkie campbell

dear Jaggy poo,

you will be four when the next rugby world cup comes around, and ill be nearly 40, and lambie should be captain.

oh its on chinas

ahh, jag youre gona love rugby bru. i never understood it when i was at school, it just seemed so bloody pointless 30 men all chasing one ball instead of all getting their own, and the idea that another man would tackle you right off your feet…why.

i only ever played one game, i rememeber it like it was yesterday. it was escort rugby day, they had four teams and we only had two and a half (i went to weston agricultural college) the coaching staff had to dig deep to find enough to make up a third team….but my God did they scrape the barrel to make up the fourth, im talking about taking kids out of sick bay or guys who`s parents actually forbid them to play, hell they even took this one guy(i wont say his name) but who, when we were all experimenting with ciggies, was talking acid and just vanishing for like 12 hours on this farm that our school was on in mooi river, freaky bugger. when they came for me i just said no, i told them i didnt have rugby kit (which they magically revealed) and the old “ive got cronic asthma’ trick didnt work, hell i had two left boats until the wing from the 3rd team finished playing. we ran on singing the smurf song and all got cained 4 after the game, never have a team been so out played before, the only time i touched the ball i took it straight to the ref who shouted at me to run forward, at the final whistle the “acid” guy asked for 5min to turn the game around it was 47-0. i remember not being able to bend over behind the school bus to get cained cause my borrowed rugby jersey was like a rash vest on me.

but that shits all behind me now Jag, im a believer, ive got a rugby jersey of my own. sure it pisses your mother off, she honestly dislikes the sport and im not allowed friends around to watch anymore…but now that you are coming maybe she will let me watch with you on the couch, its also fair to mention that your mom played girls rugby at school….i know rough chick hey.

cause all the games are in the morning, ill be showing them at the cafe so i dont miss any games…..oh its on now.

juddy-big-screen-at-the-cafe-my-chinas-poo

my kids got heart…

dear Jag,

youre alive bru, this is your heart beat….your are a real boy.

i punched a dinosaur and i liked it

dear Boychild (i think you are a boy, we find out at our first scan today) (im shitting myself son) (its a deep fear),

you owe me big bru, i went to the “baby show” yesterday, your mother only tagged along cause no one else would come with me, funny hey when you ask your mates to come to the sexpo and you need a mini van, but the thought of spending an hour with a purple overweight dinosaur and they run for the trees.

as we walked around i saw many other couples around our age group, scared shitless, as we passed these couples we gave the “oh my god we got our chicks pregnant and now are at the bloody baby show” look. this baby thing like christmas, easter etc is such big buissness its an industry, we saw a pram that cost R10k, nappies that cost R1k for 3, and a range of breast pumps that looked very s&m. there was a kids cot that was remote, so if your kid starts crying in the next room you just point the remote and the cot starts vibrating and the music starts.

i loved all the big mascots walking around….

hows this cuddly bugger

one thing we did sign up for was the stem cell research (partially cause the chick behind the counter was hot) basically they harvest the blood and tissue from the umbilical cord(can only do it as the kids born) and we can grow a new baby, not really but they can cure over 300 blood diseases now and by 2020 who knows. so Jag ive already given you your inheratance, dont expect anymore cash payouts in my will you are sorted champ.

this bugger kept ignoring me

must go bru, off to see you in a scan hope ur a boy, today is the 29th of august 2011 and this will be the first time i see you and hear your heart beat….holy shit kid.

juddy-this-just-got-real-poo

 

ive reached the height of my career today.

dear Jag my son/daughter,

Jag, this may not mean a lot to you but my hero came into the cafe today Kumi Naidoo, he is head of Greenpeace.

i acted like would if met kate moss, i was so nervious. i stammered and stuttered. he mustve thought i as a complete dick. ive served a few famous folks in my time in the uk, i even served angelina jolie once in the rib room and oyster bar on sloane street (she will be about 60 when you hit 15, i hope you are a boy cause there are so many hot chicks) i could see her mouth from the other side of the room, i topped up her water and served her bread (i was a junior waiter at the time) but i wasnt as nervous as i was when the saviour of the planet….kumi naidoo arrived at my humble cafe of love.

im getting a shirt like his

i made a complete fool of myself, i was telling him how green i was by having a worm farm and he has like stopped people drilling for oil in greenland.  jag, i thought i was pretty cool and a bit of an eco warrior but standing next to this guy i realised just how little we are doing, its time to step things up bru. he was very humble and chilled, i thought he would be this agressive guy who slapped people who littered but he aint heavy hes my new friend

i asked your mom if i can name you Kumi, but she said no. i think Kumi Coffee Campbell is a fantastic name, women hey.

when he gave me his buisness card i nearly started crying, ill keep it framed for you….i dont mind if you fail matric, do drugs or become a dstv addict like your dad, as long as you work for Greenpeace kid.

juddy-daddy-to-the-next-head-of-greenpeace-poo

ok, im ready to deal with this little situation we find ourselves in…

from now on ill write to my un born child(please god dont let it be twins) and not to you guys anymore….see how its changed me already.

Dear Jag (its the possible name we are looking at boy or girl)

you better be the next head of green peace or cure global warming, this was not in our little selfish plan that your mom and i had for our lives, we are both very scared and just can cancelled our capetown trip at the end of the year. having said that, we just got back from your new gran ma`s house down the south coast with a clearer view on this whole “oh shit we are having a baby” situation, we are still scared and very ill prepared, but have come to terms with the whole concept that you are coming, and we will be ready buddy. i quess we should be lucky you arent arriving during the rugby world cup.

thats ur mom jag, 3 days after finding out you are coming

 

our hosts this weekend really chilled us out, it was so hard to leave…..you will meet the walkers (so called cause they walk for hours) one day Jag, but they dont like naughty kids, just like mom, dad and santa.

your mom now sleeps like a vampire, and pee`s like seabiscuit. i put her folic acid and multi pregnancy tablets along with her special vitamin shake next to the bed in the morning so you are healthy (she may be carring you in the tummy, but im still helping a bit).

we both will be happy if you are a boy or girl, but i want you to be a boy so we can watch rugby together and check out chicks on the beach etc and im going to teach you all about dstv, you wont have to go through what i went through which was only sabc and then only later on did we get mnet….oh no china you wont miss a thing, you will have the tv life that i could only dream of.

we will start looking at a bigger car, second hand offcourse (oh there is this whole green thing you have get used to, basically the planet its poo and its all up to you to help it) the house has to be finished and we have to buy you all kinds of stuff, you will be the greenest baby ever. ill teach you to hate plastic, and love the earth.

juddy-still-in-a-state-of-pure-shock-and-confusion-that-im-not-sterile-poo